Reflections: Loneliness, Happiness, & Winter

What is inconceivable about the universe is that it should be at all conceivable.
- Albert Einstein

No, I have not dropped off the face of the planet (even though it feels like it at times).  I am just very, very, very busy.  This might even be the busiest I have ever been in my life.  I am writing reports, preparing for presentations, and studying for numerous exams, all of which are due or are happening far sooner than I would like.  Even with beginning at 7am and working almost constantly (except for cooking, eating, showering, doing laundry, and other inavoidable tasks) until 10pm, I do not know if I will be able to get everything done.  Probably I will, because that's just the kind of person I am, but most things will probably not be done to the best of my ability.

And other things are happening as well.  Perhaps the most important thing is that I may be becoming friends with someone that I have met in my classes.  So often in the past few months I have been overwhelmed with a sense of deep loneliness.  Although there are a few people that I chat with in class, we never meet outside of the university setting or for a non-school-related activity.  Might this new friendship possibly go beyond this?  I hope it does, although it may take a while.

And despite the busy-ness, I cannot help but feel at times a surprising happiness welling up within me.  Is it just that I thrive under increased pressure?  Or is it a feeling of affirmation that despite all that is going on, I am still here, still managing to carry on?  Or is it something else?

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Overall the last few days we have received our first snowfall, and our first really cold temperatures.  As I write this the temperature is around -8 degrees Celsius (18 Fahrenheit), but with the wind blowing it feels much colder.  Winter has begun.  It feels as though I just changed the calendar to November a few days ago, but soon it will be December.  Soon 2010 will have passed and 2011 will be beginning.  What will the next year bring?  What will change?  What has changed this year?  What is changing right now?

These are the things I ponder, as I walk quickly with hands in pockets from class to class, or sit staring dreamily out the window, while my pen and computer wait for me to return to work.

Two Years Later

Yet another year has passed since I began this blog on November 3, 2008.  Yet another Samhain has passed.  Once again I find myself looking back at where my steps have led me during the past year and where I hope my wanderings will take me this year.

I feel that in the last few months the quality of my posts here has improved, and that I have got beyond that awkward "oh, look, I have a blog" stage.  My posts have also become more focused, and I continue to try to publish posts that are honest and that are stand out from the typical pagan blog posts.  Writing as someone who is both a scientist and a pagan, I feel that I do have something unique here.  Most importantly, I hope that what I write here has some meaning for those who read it.

As I did on last year's anniversary, I would like to share with you my favourite posts from the past year, one for each month.  If you have just recently stumbled across my blog, use this as an opportunity to explore the things that I have been thinking about since last November.

November 2009 - Samhain Past and Present - This post, which incorporates one of my journal entries from the previous year (2008), still manages to capture the feelings of despair, apathy, and loneliness that I feel around this time of the year as I try to come to terms with the darkness both within and without.

December 2009 - The Hill - In which I sit at the top of a hill and muse about the meaning of life, the universe, and everything.

January 2010 - Science and Spirituality - This post, although it is a bit awkward in places and contains items that I would probably change if I wrote it again today, is not a bad summary of the connections between science and spirituality/religion in my life.  The area where science and religion meet has long been a topic of special interest to me.

February 2010 - For the Love of Books - Sometimes I think I should begin a dedicated book blog to indulge the bibliophile within me, though I've held off doing so for now.  At any rate, if you want to know how book-obsessed I really am, just check out this post.

March 2010 - Beginnings and Endings and All Between - I love this post for several reasons, but it would deserve inclusion on this list if only for this one paragraph, which is probably the best description I have ever written of myself and my path in life:

"I am a writer and a reader, a would-be naturalist and scientist, the kind of person who watches and observes but does not say much, a bit of a mystic at times, a bit of a romantic, an inconstant poet, someone who fills notebooks and tears out pages, someone who talks to herself when no one is around, talks to trees when she's in the mood, and is given to writing long sentences. Am I a pagan (or Pagan)? Am I a Druid? Yes, I will say, for lack of a better answer, because I don't know what I would call myself if I was not. I am self-contradictory and undecided if nothing else."

April 2010 - For Those Who Have Gone Before - I consider this one of the best posts I have written here yet; it begins with a contemplation of two old family portraits and ends with the realization that all living beings on this planet are connected, and that we all share the same ancestors.

May 2010 - Say the Trees Have Ears - "All stories are memories of one Story and all forests are part of one Forest."  This post also reveals the original source of this blog's title.

June 2010 - The Way North, Part One and Part Two - This is a short story (of sorts) that is also an introduction to the world that the majority of my stories are set in.  It is a world that I have been creating for at least the last five years and probably longer.  I haven't shared much of my fiction with you here, but I may try to do so more this year.

July 2010 - Communities, Pagan & Otherwise, Part 1: Definitions and Part 2: Reflections - I ponder what a community, particularly a pagan community, actually is, and reflect on whether or not I am a part of any community.  (What was it with two-part posts this year?)

August 2010 - On the High Mountain - One of my favourite memories of 2010 will be this hiking trip in the beautiful Kootenay region of British Columbia.  I have a thing about mountains, which is also evident in the short story mentioned above, and I also appreciate any opportunity to leave the city or town and get into the wilderness.

September 2010 - Polytheists, Atheists, and That Brighid Thing - A summary of my thoughts and inner conflicts around belief and unbelief in deity, and possibly the best answer I have to the question, "What do you believe in?"

October 2010 - Finding the Time - Following a spiritual path is not easy.  Written during a very busy month, this post needs to be a constant reminder to myself that if I truly want to change my life and proceed along my path, I need to do more than just dream about it.  I need to act.

I hope you have enjoyed this look back at the past year here at Say the Trees Have Ears, and I hope that you continue to enjoy my future posts.  Once again, I would like to thank all of my readers, both new and old.  Without your kind and thoughtful comments, I probably would have given up on this blog ages ago.

Welcome to the third year of Say the Trees Have Ears!